Why did Muhyiddin Yassin stick the knife into former Prime Minister, Dr Mahathir’ Mohamad’s back?
The reason is simple. Muhyiddin suffers from Middle-Child Syndrome. They are neglected, envious and defiant.
The first born gets all the attention and the youngest is just spoilt. The middle child, has no defined role.
Muhyiddin has been a member of previous Umno-Baru Cabinets for as long as the kleptocratic Najib Abdul Razak and the narcoleptic Abdullah Badawi.
In 2003, Mahathir nominated the older Abdullah Badawi as his successor. Muhyiddin did not get a look-in.
Then, when Badawi displeased Mahathir, and he resigned, the relatively younger Najib became ‘The Chosen One’. Poor Muhyiddin was overlooked, again.
Decades of being sidelined came to a head. On 29 February, whilst Mahathir and Anwar were squabbling about the succession plan, a defiant and brazen Muhyiddin breezed in through the front door, and occupied the prime ministerial seat.
Ten days after his power grab, Muhyiddin was furious. Umno-Baru, PAS and the rag-tag group of Bersatu kataks, were fighting one another over key ministerial posts.
So, to help Muhyiddin, we have compiled a list of suitable candidates which we refer to as ‘Din’s Dream Cabinet’.
1. Deputy Prime Minister: Shahrizat Abdul Jalil
Why? Approval to start the failed National Feedlot Corporation (NFC) was given when Muhyiddin Yassin was Agriculture Minister. Being close to Muhyiddin will ensure that the NFC need not pay back every sen of the stolen RM250 million (plus full interest) and her hubby and children are not charged with Criminal Breach of Trust (CBT).
2. Minister of Finance: Najib Abdul Razak
Why? Najib is a wizard with money. He can ‘magic’ billions of ringgits from nowhere, and make money appear in his account, and also make it disappear! When desperate, he can call upon foreign princes for generous donations. He knows many hiding places overseas, to stash spare cash. If need be, his apartments have more money than bank vaults and he can start a side business as an ah-long for the elite.
3. Minister of Education: Hadi Awang.
Why? Controversy over vernacular schools, national type schools and international schools is avoided by abolishing them. Only tahfiz schools remain. There will be no need for a national curriculum. Children learn by rote. Money is saved as children will wear white robes only. Girls can stay at home and start thinking about making the next generation of the Malaysian workforce.
4. Minister of Transport: Raja Bomoh
Why? Raja Bomoh’s flying carpets are environmentally friendly. Muhyiddin’s plan to endear himself to the rakyat, by reducing the cost of petrol and diesel can only be sustained for a short while.
5. Minister of the Environment: Ahmad Faizal Azumu
Why? Ahmad Faizal Azumu is living proof that one does not need a degree to cure environmental problems. Just get rid of the offending item, and the problem is solved. Sand can be sold to Singapore and the nation can make money at the same time. Jungle trees should be cut, to stop the Orang Asli from fighting over their ownership. Limestone hills should be flattened because they block the view from his sitting room.
6. Speaker of the Dewan Rakyat: Bung Moktar.
Why? He likes the sound of his own voice.
7. Minister of Health: Musa Aman
Why? Because he has been in and out of hospital several times, and knows which hospital gives the best hospital food, and which doctor supplies the most convincing Medical Certificates. (useful to know for corrupt politicians awaiting trial)
8. Minister of Agriculture: Taib Mahmud
Why? Agriculture means cash crops. All jungle vegetation should be razed to the ground and replanted with palm oil to provide crony companies with an endless supply of oil palm. This is good Taibonomics.
9. Minister of Telecommunications: Raja Bomoh
Why? Who needs smartphones and IT when one has bamboo telescopes with which to peer into the parallel universe. His rituals are entertaining, and his third portfolio is as Minister of Culture and the Arts.
10. Minister of Tourism: Azmin Ali
Why? Azmin loves travelling to exotic places and making surprise checks on hotel rooms. He knows how to grade services within the hospitality industry.
11. Law minister: Muhammad Shafee Abdullah
Why? He is a good lawyer and can defend many crooks and make them look as innocent as the driven snow.
12. Minister for International Trade: Rosmah Mansor
Why? She has good contacts in the diamond trade, the leather trade, the private jet industry, luxury industry, and property companies. Her communication skills are refined from her consultancy firm “CanIAdviceUSumting” for services which are sought after by many ‘powers behind the thrones’.
13. Minister of Energy: Rosmah Mansor
Why? Rosmah has great faith in renewable energy especially solar energy and ‘hot air’ technology. She controls two ministries.
14. Minister for Women, Family and Community Development: Shahidan Kassim
Most parents have great difficulty persuading their children to appreciate music, but Shahidan has a knack for encouraging musical skills in talented teenage girls. He is also known for his piety. He once lost the ability to walk so he visited Mecca. After a few days of intense prayer, he returned to Malaysia, a cured man, ditched his wheelchair and can probably run marathons today.
15. Minister of Religious Affairs: Dr Mohd Asri Zainul Abidin
Why? How could anyone not be ‘popular’, with Zakir Naik as his buddy, and the backing of the Saudis? One day, the royals will fear him. Now, that is real power.
16. Minister of Home Affairs: Zahid Hamidi
Why? Zahid’s close friends are the Malay triad, Tiga-Line. With their help, he can enforce discipline amongst businesses in Malaysia. Aware that Indonesia is getting more progressive than Malaysia, he is waiting for the day, when Malaysian women can be sent to Indonesia, as cheap domestics for the up-and-coming Indonesian middle class.
17. Minister of Welfare: Adnan Mansor
Why? Because he has a simple formula to cure cities of homeless people. He pretends to be poor, so that gullible Malaysians will think he is someone who cares. Potential kidnappers don’t realise that he is a billionaire. Why? They confuse him with a Star Wars character
18. Minister of Defence: Jamal Yunos
Why? Because he likes to pick a fight with anyone, even a stationary fire hydrant.
Din’s Dream Cabinet is small, not because he respects the rakyat’s wishes. He has great difficulty finding non-corrupt people and people with integrity.