Justice is swift under Muhyiddin’s PN gomen, in the place we call Malaysia… oops… real name, Banana Republic. Within a month, two high profile cases involving allegations of dirty money fizzle out to nothing. When you want to steal in Malaysia, take huge sums. Here are some useful Umno-Baru/BN/PAS tips.

The Umno-Baru/BN high profile politicians and their cronies in the Banana Republic we call Malaysia, who are awaiting trial for money laundering, Criminal breach of trust (CBT) and other very serious allegations of crime, are happy. They are almost orgasmic!

They have full faith in the administration of Muhyiddin Yassin, the backdoor coalition called Perikatan Nasional (PN). Naturally, under PN, there is no interference by the judiciary.

In mid-May, disgraced Najib Abdul Razak’s stepson, Riza was granted a Discharge Not Amounting to an Acquittal, (DNAA) for money laundering allegations involving RM1.08 billion.

Champagne bottles were popped open in Jalan Duta, Damansara, Kenny Hills, and Putrajaya, that the noise was deafening. The rakyat biasa called the police and fire brigade to investigate the noise, which they thought was ‘tangki gas masak’ exploding. Actually, the Umno-Baruputras were celebrating with bubbly.

Crime does pay. (new lesson for Malaysian school children) Today, former Sabah Chief Minister, Musa Aman, has been given a full acquittal for various charges, all 46 of them, relating to dirty money from timber companies.

These “innocent” politicians have some useful tips for Malaysians. Here they are.

  1. When you demand political donations from cronies or timber companies or investment boards, don’t take a few million ringgits.
    Be bold. Take several hundred millions, even billions, of ringgits. It is well worth the effort. Be generous with other people’s money. Saves you a lot of trouble.

2) If you are foolish enough to be caught, then tell the authorities that you will return less than half the amount you were alleged to have taken.

The authorities are so happy, that you have turned over a new leaf. They will do anything to save themselves a lot of hard work, searching for the paper trail or knocking on the big steel doors of the Swiss Banks or the Cayman Islands to ask the rakyat’s money to be returned.

3) It helps when you have friendly politicians like Umno-Baru BN’s Noh Omar who tells you that it is OK to steal.

Just do not be stupid and show off with the multi-million foreign homes, the yacht, the handbags, the watches. Otherwise, steal to your heart’s content and cover your tracks.

Mencuri ok jer

4) It helps to have judges who tell you that Muslims never lie. The former Chief Justice (CJ) of Malaysia, Abdul Hamid Mohamad, allegedly said in the Court of Appeal in 1996 that it was “the gospel truth that a Muslim never lies.”

5) If you are caught, and want to prove your innocence, try the holy-moley tactic first.

Those who are alleged to have stolen several hundred million ringgits (the rakyat’s money) can run to Mecca and take hundreds of selfies then tell their friendly news editors, that they are innocent.

I have lost count of the number of times a particular politician with a fascination for cows, scurried off to Mecca for the religious photoshoots.

(One problem: What will corrupt Umno-Baru/BN/PAS politicians do, now that the Saudis have closed Mecca because of the Coronavirus? Where to go to get the selfies done? Kepong does not have the same glamour effect.)

6) Learn to use props when running off to Mecca to prove one’s innocence.

Even alleged child molesters are prepared to use a wheelchair to rush off to Mecca to declare, “I am innocent. Those Opposition (PH) politicians, activists and human rights defenders, are trying to jatuh my maruah! I did not molest a 14-year-old in my heavily tinted SUV at 11 pm. Don’t blame me for the girl’s family dropping the charges. I only had a friendly chat with them. That oso cannot ah?”

7) If the religious trick does not work, then if you are caught, act with extreme arrogance.

Just tell the rakyat, “What? RM2 million is like kacang putih to me lah. My mistresses’ liposuction/facelift/boob & nose job/skin whitening is worth much more!”

Or if the mistress gets angry that you have told the whole world she is just plastic and silicone, then just stick to the “RM2 million is like loose change to me.”

8) Also when caught, do the “I am smart and not bodoh like you” trick.

Just tell the rakyat, “I was a clever businessman before I entered politics.” Just remember to purchase the fake business and international relations degree, from the world renowned, Harprak Business School, in Bosstown. Don’t confuse with Harvard Business School in Boston OK?

9) When politicians run to Mecca to take selfies to convince the Malays that they are innocent, use minimal make-up and shed the designer image.

Put away the Birkin-Hermes handbags, the Manolo Blahniks or Jimmy Choos, the bespoke shirts and suits from Saville Row, the RM2,000 hairdos, the watches that are worth more than some semi-detached houses and the aides, who normally stick to the boss, like kutu anjing. Never mind that your botoxed face is exposed, whilst you engineer your freedom.

Fortunately there is a dress code in Mecca when circling the Kaabah. The white togas make you look very rakyat biasa.

10) In Mecca, just shed the Umno-Baru/PAS cultivated version of Islam. In Malaysia, the conservatives (ulama and politicians, especially PAS) will insist on separation of the sexes. Hence, there are separate queues for males and females in some supermarkets and separate seating areas in some venues. When in Mecca, just drop the divisive methods which are used to brainwash the Malays. Observe how there is no separation of the sexes, at the Kaabah.

11) Make sure that acting skills are part of becoming a politician, so that when caught with the hands in the kitty, the politician can suddenly find that his gout is killing him (the ignorant do not know that gout is caused by excessive consumption of full bodied wines and fine foods), the heart is palpitating and pounding, cannot breathe-lah, cannot sleep (mistress all sudah cabut).

12) Get out your Buku 555 and find the naughty thing that the airline company boss once did, and get on his plane to fly you abroad, to seek medical intervention. Don’t holiday in Langkawi (to plan your escape to Thailand), by flying on a private jet from Subang. A lot of activists live nearby. They will wait for you lah.

13) When you are acquitted, do a “Musa” and give a statement immediately after being granted the full acquittal.

Remember to thank God for ensuring justice has been served. Musa said, “Alhamdulillah, I am grateful to God that finally, by God’s will, I am given justice and my name is cleared from all allegations.”

The moral of the story

When you want to steal, THINK BIG.

Don’t be like this man from Terengganu. He stole a few strands of petai, and was jailed for 15 months. Instead, you must be daring and brave. Steal like Umno-Baru/BN/PAS politicians. Be bold. Think BIG. Umno-Baru/BN/PAS will protect you.

Remember this; The more you take, the less likely you will be sent to prison.

From Umno-Baru.BN/PAS perspective, all of the above is sufficient to convince the gullible Malays, East Malaysians and anyone else who walks with their eyes closed, their ears stuffed with cotton wool and their brains safely tucked away in the deep-freeze, that the corrupt Umno-Baru/BN politician or his offspring or his crony, is as pure as the driven snow.

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