Cabinet reshuffle suggestion
Number one. The PM retains his post as PM and finance minister. Times are hard and he has heeded the advice of his former deputy minister, Ahmad Maslan, and taken not just one, but two additional jobs.
First side job, is to be the national clown. The role is self-explanatory.
The second is of a magician. RM15 million miraculously appeared in Alor Setar for the new MB, Ahmad Bashah Md Hanipah to start work. There is an old Bugis expression for this, â€œMagic happens, only if the face fitsâ€.
Number two. Good buddy, Abdul Hadi Awang of PAS, which is secretly known as the â€˜Umno Baru east coast divisionâ€™, should be made the new culture minister. Hadi will enforce a â€˜no excessive laughterâ€™ rule, and will liaise with the Immigration Department to reject permits for foreign pop groups, unless they are nasyid groups from Aceh.
Courses will be held for Wisma Putra (Foreign Ministry) staff deployed overseas to recognise the various types of women’s smiles. They must not mistake smiles as invitations to have sex. Together with the Health Department, intensive courses in potty training will be arranged for the diplomatic staff.
Number three. The attorney-general, Apandi Ali, will be the new information minister, or what the kedai-kopi patrons call â€˜the minister of spinâ€™.
Malaysians are confused. They only have three pertinent questions. â€œWhen does a donation become a deal, and vice-versa?â€, â€œIs it un-Islamic to be critical of oneâ€™s leaders?â€, and â€œIs it okay to accuse the dead of dirty deals?â€
Number four. The inspector-general of police (IGP) should become the health minister. His first major project will be to enforce a strict fitness regime for thousands of obese policemen. One critic said, â€œInstant results will be made if the 126,000 Twitter police force were to be disbanded. Get them off their bums, and make them walk the beat. After one month, they will be fit for duty.â€
Number five. Home minister Zahid Hamidi will become the new education minister. Malaysian education reached new heights under the previous two ministers, and we now have â€œthe best education in the worldâ€.
Under Zahid, students will be shown that education is not everything, because people with a lack of academic qualifications, like Ahmad Bashah Md Hanipah, the new MB of Kedah, need only â€œ…whisper personally into the PM’s ear, to help develop Kedahâ€.
One school dropout said, â€œThe government has justified the withdrawal of scholarships, because we need only learn how to be trained â€˜PM whisperersâ€™. Yeay… no need for school.â€
Number six: Astronaut Sheikh Muszaphar Shukor Al Masrie Sheikh Mustapha should be the new religious affairs minister. He may not be a politician, but Umno-Baru has devised a way of introducing unelected people via the back door. They are made senators one day, and ministers the next.
Sheikh Muszaphar Shukorâ€™s venture into Aladdin, the halal equivalent of Ali Baba and Amazon, took many people by surprise. One cynic said, â€œThe halal industry is more lucrative than promoting science.â€
Another cynic said, â€œThe syariah-compliant airline Rayani Air was started by two Hindus, despite the billions of ringgits poured into Malay businesses, Malay traders, and free-this-and-that for the Malays, like in â€˜Low Yat Twoâ€™.â€
Number seven. The formation of a new Colour Ministry.
Malaysian life is colour-coded, for the benefit of those who cannot read. Pink is the colour of party-unity, orange signifies change, yellow induces panic in Umno Baru leaders and the IGP, red is a sign of intolerance and in Kuantan, of greed, whilst the blue of BN is a dangerous colour, like the poisonous Blue Lake of Bau, in Sarawak.
To prevent discrimination and bias, a colour-blind person will be its first minister.
Number eight. To save taxpayersâ€™ money, the police force and the judiciary will merge into one. It will be led by one man, the blogger Papagomo. His methods are effective because he will be â€œthe law-enforcer, the judge, the jury and the executioner.
Number nine. There will be no changes to the Defence Ministry. We have not heard from the minister, Hishammuddin Hussein, for a while. He is probably busy defending Lahad Datu in the east, or the James Shoal islands, off the Bintulu coast. Either that or he has been kidnapped.
Number ten. A new Ethics Ministry should be formed. Its first minister should be the former womenâ€™s minister, Shahrizat Abdul Jalil. A few days ago, she criticised former international trade and industry minister Rafidah Aziz for her views about the internal power struggle in Kedah.
Shahrizat was said to â€œshake her headâ€ (presumably in disbelief), when reading Rafidahâ€™s Facebook post about the greed in Umno-Baru in Kedah. She called Rafidah, â€œdisloyalâ€ (to Najib) and â€œlacking in principleâ€. The new ethics minister can crow till the cows come home. The rakyat are not blind.
Malaysians are entering a new phase of clowning around in politics. As Malaysians have seen, only foreign institutions like the Wall Street Journal, and former PM Mahathir Mohamad, are free from prosecution for criticising 1MDB. Has Shahrizat heard the song, â€˜Send in the clowns?â€™
(Published in Malaysiakini on Chinese New Year/Photo credit to Malaysiakini)