The Idle Malay Supremacist

The Idle Malay Supremacist (IMS) suffers from Irritable Malay Syndrome (IMS)

Scientists at University PutraMerah in Telok Bauxite, the new township outside Kuantan, have discovered a condition which explains why Malay men are moody, have delusions of grandeur and a superiority complex.

The medical experts attribute the sulks, violent tendencies and temper tantrums, to the men’s raging hormones. The researchers have named the condition, Irritable Malay Syndrome (IMS).

Sufferers may have bouts of amnesia, followed by teary episodes in which they can recall things their fathers’ did, decades ago. In especially serious cases, the men absolve themselves of responsibility, and are prone to grabbing what is not theirs.

IMS has turned nice, polite and confident Malay men into arrogant, obnoxious and “go-back-to-where-you-came-from” types. You have probably read about them in the newspapers.

It is believed that toxins from the reddish hue of the drinking water in Pahang caused people to fall ill, but for some strange reason, only the hormone balance of the Malay men, was adversely affected. Rarely did IMS affect Malay women, unless they had a large excess of male hormones in their system.

The Pahang community assumed that everything was fine, because of the state government’s failure to issue a public disaster alert. People thought that there was no environmental disaster and no problem to health. They continued to breathe in the red dust, swim in the red water, and eat the red-coloured fish, not to be confused with red snapper, or ikan merah.

For years, women have been blamed for being moody, just because some wives complained about demanding husbands who wanted their food to be served on the dot, with all their favourite dishes, their shirts starched and ironed, and sex on demand. The husbands ignored the bawling kids, the leaking taps and their exhausted wives, who had to wait on them.

The husband would call his wife “over-sensitive” when she complained and, he would add, “To hell with your laziness. I will take another wife!”

Before long, the new wife would also be overworked and he would say, “You are suffering from pre-menstrual tension (PMT), like my former wife,” and off he would go, in search of a younger woman.

Last week, a Malay newspaper reported the high divorce rate of Muslim couples.

One social observer said, “This is worrying. Over the past six years, 274,000 couples have been divorced. In the first eight months of 2015, statistics by the Malaysian Syariah Judicial Department showed that 38,035 couples were divorced. Every day, 156 couples are divorced.

“The paper blamed the high divorce rate on infidelity, family interference, monetary woes and irreconcilable differences.

“The paper conveniently ignored the truth. Why did they deny that men suffering from IMS divorced their wives, at a rate of 150 cases daily? Clearly, IMS is a genuine problem.”

Epidemic proportions

The IMS condition was confirmed to have reached epidemic proportions last August in KL, when a group of men, who once lived in Pahang, travelled to the city and staged rallies in Padang Merbok and Petaling Street.

Initially, the symptoms of IMS were blamed on stress, but we know that some researchers have fudged their results, to toe the official line.

Women know that IMS has nothing to do with stress. They know that the red peril, from Kuantan, has affected testosterone – the male hormone. The Malay ‘red shirts’ had raging hormones which forced them to run riot in the streets of KL and in Low Yat Plaza, but surprisingly, they did not have enough male hormones to do a decent day’s work, to provide for their families.

Malay leaders suffering from IMS have particularly disturbing traits. They are full of self-praise, and before any work has been done, have given themselves sweeteners, like rent-free premises and free renovations, because they are the best entrepreneurs in the field.

How would one know that a person has IMS? One way is to ask him if he has any change for RM50. If he says yes, you hand him the note. If he keeps the note, and claims that you made a donation, he is a confirmed IMS sufferer.

For obvious reasons, this scientific breakthrough from the Pahang team has not been made public. The alternative name for IMS is Idle Malay Supremacist. There is a cure, but it involves getting rid of two toxins in society – Umno Baru and the Malaysian Islamic Development Department (Jakim)